1. Don't reload your smartphone gift card while in line at Starbucks. Seriously Jerkwad, it's 7am. No one cares that you have the latest app and a digital wallet. You're standing between me and my coffee. I wil cut you.
2. Locker rooms aren't for cell phones. Who actually wants to sit in a locker room and have a 10 minute conversation about what's for dinner? Apparently a lot of people. Listen ladies, if I'm naked from the waist up, or down for that matter, I don't feel comfortable with you being on the phone. Those things have cameras. Put them away.
3. Asking a woman you just met to "hang out" is not acceptable past a certain age. That age, in my mind, is 25. Look, this isn't a money thing. I'm not saying that I'm expecting Michelin star restaurants and carriage rides but I'm in my late twenties. You need to man up and suggest a specific time, date, and activity you'd like to share with me. Dinner and a movie is really not that complicated.
4. Hugs are underrated. Hugs are awesome. Short of awkward co-worker situations, more is better in the hugging department. With co-workers, you can always substitute with high-fives. High-fives are lawsuit-free hugs in disguise.
5. You should always have a spare package of toilet paper. Pay attention, I said package, not roll. Why people feel so reckless in life they won't even protect their own hineys, literally, is beyond me. It gives me anxiety just thinking about the emergency run to the grocery store. Don't put yourself at that risk.
6. Chocolate and Liquor: Spend the extra money on the good stuff. If your choice is between a 5 pound bar of Hersheys and a handle of Smirnoff or a 5 ounce bar of Godiva and a liter of Grey Goose, go for the latter combination. Joi de vivre aside, you'll feel better in the morning.
7. Mayonnaise and Potato Chips are not good for you. Seems pretty freakin obvious, right? And yet somehow I keep seeing commercials where some fancy chef "hand selects" the "quality ingredients" that go into this garbage and the narrator tells us all how much the company cares about the families who consume their product. I pray to God the general public is not believing this poppycock but if the election of some of our government officials is any indication, people believe a lot of stupid things. Loved ones, please don't be those people.
8. Fanny Packs are not in again. I don't care if you saw Sarah Jessica Parker wearing one in a celebrity trash magazine I don't understand the purpose of. They're not back. Write it down. Not even if you're european.
9. Everyone can make soup. Honestly, boil broth and add vegetables and/or meat. This is not a complicated task. Campbells should be out of business.
10. Never buy cheap shoes. Your body can't afford that mistake, even if it's only rotated into the wardrobe periodically. Also, people are judging you based on them. Seriously.