Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
I was brought up believing the world needs ditches and clean toilettes and gas in their cars just as much as doctors and lawyers and celebrity chefs. We're all just making the world turn and if you're doing your best to provide a service you should hold your head high. But I'll be honest, there was a time when I avoided mention of my Walmart days. When I tell people I worked at Walmart I've noticed something odd happens. For just a split second I can see their expression change and I swear in that moment I know they're searching for a buck tooth or a glass eye or some rare skin disease they hadn't noticed before. Apparently folks don't think too highly of the profession but the truth is that job had a greater influence on me than any other place of employment. I learned more about ambition, dedication and society while working at Walmart than I have learned at any other company since.
1. If you didn't shit your pants today, today was a good day. One particularly rough day I had a woman come through my line with only a package of Hanes Her Way. When I started to bag the item she stopped me saying "That's ok dear, I don't need a bag. I'm going to go put those on right now" *only slightly lower voice* "I just soiled myself". Can't complain about the snowy drive home after that now can ya?
3. Soap and Cheez-Its don't mix. Apparently if you bag soap with crackers, the crackers will take on the taste of the soap. This is actually somewhat true. I did not know this but apparently EVERY MIDDLE AGED WOMAN IN AMERICA DOES because I couldn't bag a single bar of soap without one of them screaming at me not to bag it with food. I've never been able to look at Cheez-Its the same way. Don't think this is an important thing in life to learn? Do you like the taste of soapy crackers? I didn't think so.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
I’d like to start out by apologizing to my mailman (I will not use the gender-neutral “mail-person”. We’ve got actual issues to address and I refuse to waste my energy on modifying every instance of usage from the masculine to the unisex. When I hear things like “person power”, “fire person”, and “human kind”, it makes me angry we’re investing time better spent on figuring out female Viagra. Any sane-minded woman will agree.) Anyway, I’m sorry Mr. Mailman for not clearing my mailbox out more frequently. I do it about a third to half as often as I should, leaving it busting at the hinges and I’m guessing that doesn’t make your life any easier. But because I only make my way to box #702 fortnightly, it makes for an interesting compilation of items, worthy of bloggery. Today’s mail included:
1. My California License (Yay!): When the local grocery store refused to sell me a PBR tall boy because they “couldn’t verify a New York license”, I knew it was time. FYI it took 20 minutes, 2 store managers and a lot of dirty looks before they declined to sell me the damn thing. Wondering why in God’s name I would wait that long for 24 lousy ounces of beer? Ya, me too. Thanks to a lot of Bloggle food and an afternoon involving too much Coors Light and too little sunblock I’m a bit redder and a bit rounder than I’d prefer but it’s not the worst photo of me out there.
2. TIME magazine: In honesty I almost never read the whole thing but I've got a news recipe that mixes TIME, The Daily Show and “TODAY on NBC” (que the peacock and the ding, ding ding) and the result is my consumption of enough information to know what’s going on in the world without losing all faith in mankind (yes women and children and goldfish included, see above for clarification). Also, I really like being THAT girl that starts conversations with “I was reading this article in TIME…” because I’m not as narcissistic as the jackass who has to namedrop The New Yorker but I’m not the moron who’s trying to work People magazine into lunch chat either.
3. Some new ridiculously overpriced catologue that looks like Pottery Barn Kids and Restoration Hardware vomited their overpriced merchandise, painted it burnt sienna and raised the price five thousand percent. Seriously, $68 for a pillow sham? $728 for a tray table? Who is buying this crap?
4. About 14 sale papers: since I more or less shop at Trader Joe’s these are absolutely useless except for one item. I am constantly on the lookout for beer sales. Here’s a tip folks; your typical run-of-the-mill American beer (tap the rockies!) is on a good sale when the cost is fifty cents a beer or less. Which, by the way, is the same price-per-roll you should be paying for toilet paper, the 1,000 sheet kind. Just a couple pearls of wisdom for ya.
5. My Bloggle paycheck. Thanks Bloggle:) Actually it’s just a stub. It’s 2011 if you aren’t on direct deposit, 1999 called. You need to get with the program.
6. Bills: Goodbye Bloggle paycheck:(
7. Flyers from the county: Ok I get like a million mailers that update me on bridge work and drain work and road work. I thought the giant orange triangles were enough to let me know that’s still going on. Here’s a tip crises-level-in-debt California, quit wasting money sending us mailers about roadwork. It’s stupid and wasteful and we live in the year 2011 AND the heart of Silicon Valley. Build a website and call it a day!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
- Get smaller: "Bloggle" cafes are great but they're not helping my waistline. Thus, I checked out a gym last night. Elderly asian men Zumba-ing, feel free to process that visual
- Write more: Given my average of one post a month, it's pretty obvious this one's not being met. I'm working on that... obviously.
- Volunteer: I went to a food pantry in San Jose, ONCE. I spent the morning muttering about kids these days and shaking my head in disapproval. Hey, where I come from teenage boys are volunteering gold mines, eager to do heavy lifting and throw things. Where these scrawny hoodlums came from I have no idea but my grandmother would've been more useful. She would have moved faster too.
- Read more: I've actually managed to read several books. Want me to recommend one? Too bad. I hate it when people do that and then months later you ask "hey how was that book I recommended?" and no matter what it's an awkward response. Here are all of the possible responses: 1. awkward moment "Ya, ya know I never got around to reading it." 2. "Meh, it was ok" awkward moment comes at the tail end this time. 3. "I did and you know what, it changed my life!" Guess how often number 3 happens. I suppose there could be a 4th option "Yes I did read it and good God was it awful. What is wrong in your psychotic head that you thought I would like that?"
- Get to know my neighborhood: There's a park 2 blocks away that allows alcohol in the "picnic areas", a Jazzercise studio behind Target, and giant ceramic fruit sculptures next to Caltrain. What more do I need to know?