Thursday, June 26, 2014

Things Single People Never Want to Hear

You’d think by now I’d be sharing a list of things my endearing though eccentric boyfriend/husband does, or, in a darker timeline, posting my 1000th kittens in mittens selfie on my knitting blog , but I’m not that lucky and I’m not that crazy, respectively.  Instead, this post is dedicated to a discussion on my single status, more specifically, the angles of it I wish to God people would stop trying to discuss.  

I oftentimes find myself on the receiving end of completely unsolicited feedback regarding my love life and I just don’t understand how we’ve come to a place where this is socially acceptable.  It seems unfair, because when someone tells me they’re in a relationship, I never respond with “that’s ok, you’re going to beat those divorce odds” or, “you know what, I know lots of people who still have social lives after kids!” Or  even “have you tried not staying in every weekend?  I think you’d like it”.  So, it seems particularly inconsiderate to be barraged with all the things I should be doing differently in order to land a man.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, feel free to peruse the list below:

Things single people never want to hear

“Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone”.  There’s a lot wrong with this statement but let’s start first with “don’t worry”.  Never tell a single person “not to worry” because 1.  you’re assuming we are worried and 2.  if we are worried, saying ‘don’t worry’ is essentially the least helpful, and most obnoxious statement one can utter.  Instead, be honest with yourself and the person you’re speaking to.  Say something like BEGIN WORRYING IMMEDIATELY YOU DELINQUENT RELATIONSHIP HACK.  This is less infuriating, and frankly more genuine than “don’t worry”. 

“You’ll meet someone” assumes we live in a fair and just world.  Nope.

“You’ve got plenty of time”.  What great news, as I assume you’re an expert on my uterus and lifespan! Thanks so much, this is incredibly helpful!  Oh wait, you’re neither of these things?  Alrighty then.  

“Have you tried online dating?” You use these words, but what I hear is “you’re terrible at socializing and require a computer  program to squeeze some semblance of a personality out of you, so that other people who also have no persona, can send you creepy emails and share strategically shot photos that in no way depict what they look like in real life”

“Maybe you’re too picky”. Perhaps you’re right.  One moment while I find the reset button on my personality.

“What do you do when you’re by yourself?” Coupled friends, is there some element of cohabitation that makes it impossible to recall survival in the single environment?  Or have you lost all sense of balance and require each other to hold you up and walk room to room?  Perhaps your televisions, bath tubs, cell phones, e-readers, and cars have all malfunctioned or fallen into a state of disrepair?  When your significant other is not home, do you stand in the silence of your living room wondering whatever will become of you?  No?  Me neither.

One final note; my signature line when people ask me if “I’m seeing someone” is to respond with “Nope, dying alone. I’m on the dying alone plan”.  That’s not me fishing for a compliment, or advice.  It’s my attempt to 1. be funny, 2.  indicate I don’t want to discuss my single status further, and (optional) 3.  leave room for you to tell me all about the 25-35 yr old 5’10”-6’3” gainfully employed, slightly burly man friend you have that you think I should meet.