Truth be told a lot has happened in the past couple of months. I flew back east for a friend’s wedding, I spent a weekend in Vegas, I went on a vacation to Barcelona and I got promoted. I get how a normal person would give a general overview of those events. I prefer the drive by observations I'm about to spit out. It focuses on none of the important aspects of any of those events:
- When you’re drunk and the lighting is really low sometimes a ball of butter NEXT to your salad looks like one of those mini mozzarella balls IN your salad. No amount of wine will get the taste out of your mouth OR erase the humiliation when the person across from you, who is only slightly less drunk, decides to point your error out to the entire table. Thanks random girl, thanks a million.
- No matter how many times you casually mention it, people on the dance floor at a wedding will NOT request Super Bass on your behalf. This is something you cannot outsource.
- Sometimes you have to trust your friends when they say it’s a good idea to leave the strip and take a $30 cab ride to Old Vegas. Sometimes you have to tell them ‘no you do not want to go downstairs at 3am to play black jack, yes you do know you’re in Las Vegas, and won't they please shut the hell up and get the hell out of your room’.
- Confetti is ALWAYS AWESOME. I don’t care how many countries you’ve visited, how cool your car is or what you do for a living. Someone throws a shit ton of confetti into the air, you will throw your hands up, stare at the sky and spin like you’re freakin Julie Andrews.
- People in Europe smoke like chimneys, drink like fish and eat cheese, basically nonstop. It’s not a stereotype, it’s the real deal over there. They’re still living longer and looking better than us. I have no explanation for this.
- When you get promoted, in your head you meet your gal pals for $20 martinis wearing a cocktail dress and stilettos. In real life you high five over draft beers. You’re wearing sweatpants.
- Also, when you get a promotion, everything becomes more expensive in direct proportion to the raise you just got. Suddenly it makes sense to buy clothes, shoes, and wine that are that percentage more expensive. Pre-made PB and J sandwiches continue to be an idiotic waste of money. (Seriously who is buying those things? I don’t get it)