Monday, May 14, 2012

Socially Slow in Sillicon Valley

I can't believe it's taken me this long to broach the subject on the egregious lack of social skills in Silicon Valley but we're here now so let's get started.

Around here it's no secret the male:female ratio is, statistically, in they lady's favor but that hasn't really provided me an upper hand in the dating scene.  As a good friend recently pointed out, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.  Maybe this sounds overly critical but hear me out.   I think we can mostly agree I'm a fairly attractive, moderately successful woman.  I've got a good sense of humor, and I clean up pretty good; it's only fair to expect similar standards in my male counterparts. Sadly that's currently not what I'm seeing out there, ergo:

Suggestions for Solving the Socially Slow Situation in Silicon Valley

The basics.

Fellas,  if you have any snowball's chance in hell of interacting with anything better than a mop you're going to need to bathe, cut your hair regularly, and corral that facial mange into something presentable, or else get rid of it...daily. You've also got to spend more than 10 seconds choosing clothing to put on, and that clothing needs to be clean.  I don't want to count the number of men I've seen out here wearing high-water khakis, dirty gamer tshirts and Tevas with sport socks.  Do not tell me you coordinated that outfit, passed a mirror and thought it looked good.  No one is that stupid.  But just in case you are, try remembering the four S's: Shower, Shave and no Socks with Sandals.

Alrighty, moving on.  

You look like a normal human being, hooray!  But now you also have to act like one.  I'm amazed how many men are incapable or unwilling to approach a woman.  We're not all cold hearted bitches... okay that's a lie, yes we are.  Nevertheless, you crave our company.  So, when you're out after work and you see a gal you'd like to get to know, just remember the reverse law of gravity applies; any drink that's emptied must be replenished: what goes down must be filled back up.  Listen, this is good news. For a mere five to ten dollars you get to skip trying to coordinate any type of meet-cute.  You can avoid the 99.9% failure rate of a pickup line.  All you have to do is say "Hello, my name is...", and then utter the six most beloved happy hour words a woman can hear, "Can I buy you a drink?".  I've heard men insist it's hard to muster the courage to do this.  Is it?  I mean I guess all we ladies do is shove miniature humans out of our hoo hahs but you're right, sounds pretty painful to say hello.

Just a side note to all the "gentleman" out there complaining about this added expense in their lives, I guarantee I've spent five times as much on bras, tampons,and mascara; and I'm still making 70 cents to your dollar.

Onward charge.

Okie Dokie, we know each others names and my martini is in hand.  What next?  Oh, you thought buying me a drink was the extent of your responsibility for this interaction?  You assumed you were purchasing my undivided attention and sole propulsion of this conversation? As if that cocktail is tuppence in a hat and your silence is screaming "Dance monkey dance!  I've bought you a drink now entertain me."  Let's be super duper clear here.  The drink bought you an introduction and my fleeting attention, nothing more.  It's not a proxy for your personality.  You have to actually open your mouth and form complete sentences that make me want to continue to engage in conversation with you.

Final thoughts.

I'm obviously not the leading authority on successful dating as, to state the obvious, I'm still out there on the hunt.  I have however had a decade of experience and have run the gamut of failed approaches.  Some final suggestions to avoid questionable social skills:

  • Don't lead with your money: I really don't care how many billions that app you're developing is going to make.  This approach is literally screaming at me with flailing arms "I DON'T HAVE  A PERSONALITY.  REPEAT, I DO NOT HAVE A PERSONALITY. I HOPE YOU'RE A GOLD DIGGING WHORE.  I DON'T HAVE A PERSONALITY"
  • "Noticing" a woman, making eye contact and walking over to introduce yourself is good, staring at her for 30 minutes is creepy.  We've seen the 20/20 specials.  We've got mace for that.
  • A little cologne can smell nice.  Bathing in it will induce allergic reactions, to you AND your scent. 



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