Monday, July 2, 2012

Life Lessons with Lea: What Lea Needs to Learn

Occasionally I throw out these Life Lessons with Lea posts but I was thinking maybe the tone of them is starting to sound a little holier-than-thou.  Like maybe you're just going about your day, you see my update via whatever technology doo-dad you use, and you're thinking "Shucks I sure could use a pick-me-up tell-tale sign of the times from Miss Giametta.  Maybe she'll retell that story of the woman shitting her pants. That post sure was a doosy". (You speak like this because everyone is from Nebraska circa 1953 in their mind's eye, yes?)  But instead of my Wal-Mart heyday or my latest dating debacle you get yet another kick in the pants about all the things you don't do well.  And maybe you don't like that.

I am, after all, a people pleaser so I figured I'd turn the tables and share some of the lessons I still haven't learned.  Chances are you already know most of these.  If that bitch from Romper Room taught us anything it's that people are watching.  But just in case you don't, and to prove I'm a good sport, I give you:

The Life Lessons Lea Needs to Learn:

1.  Remembering peoples' names:  People out there whose names I know; I guarantee you it took me no fewer than 3 times being introduced, reminded, or referenced via electronic communication for me to remember what your parents named you.  If I had even a sip of an alcoholic beverage on any of those occasions, the number doubles.  I am genuinely horrific at retaining this information. 

2.  Reading Maps: I cannot find my way out of a  cardboard box.  I have zero sense of direction.  On the upside I think I would survive were I dropped in the middle of the Sahara.  You know how they say humans have an inherent tendency to travel in circles in the desert?  I would find a way to mess that up.

3.  Sorting through mail:  How hard is this?  You collect the mail from the box.  Open the stuff you care about, recycle the junk, pay the bills and you're done right?  I don't know how to do this.  I only know how to let the paper grow to a beastly heap before finding the time to pare it down half way, i then wander away and let it double again. 

4.  Putting away laundry:  I don't actually mind washing, drying, or folding laundry but that's where the process dead ends.  I bring the fresh basket to my bedroom, set it on the floor, and leave it there until all of the clean clothes have been worn and I need to wash them again. I own a dresser.  It's functionality is completely lost on me.

5.  Driving aggressively:  You read aggressively, NOT dangerously, which is not a lesson anyone should learn.  Which reminds me, to all the motorists I share the road with; I beg of you, please learn what a signal light is.  You're going to love it.  But back to my lesson, I'm not an aggressive driver.  Look, I'm from a small town.  The only "traffic" we ever experienced was when the fireworks on the 4th of July ended and everyone had to rush home to either put the kids to bed or put on their fancy Carharts and swing over to the local bar.  Lanes didn't merge, metering lights were never on and the only traffic report we ever got was a drunk on a tractor directing vehicles at the intersection of one rural route and another.  That said I'm fully aware most rural transplants learn to adjust in suburbia.  I'm working on it. In the mean time just factor an extra few minutes of transit time if I'm driving.

Obviously there are several lifetimes of things I still need to learn.  These five just seem to create the most critical and prevalent hinderance to me functioning normally in modern society. Please do not add additional suggestions.  Another lesson I've yet to learn is handling criticism well.

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